matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
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