fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
