Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
