Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
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I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
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Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert