yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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