If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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