I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Randomize
