I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize