How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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