im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
His nipple licking is glorious
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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