I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
