I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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