Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
