I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
