god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
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If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
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I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo