I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy