I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
