11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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