This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
