next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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