The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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