Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
