Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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