So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
