Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
