it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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