She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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