fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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