cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
