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• (774): View more from Massachusetts

  What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling

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• (214): View more from Texas

  I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited

  (1-214): View more from Texas

  I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope

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• (918): View more from Oklahoma

  It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.

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• (360): View more from Washington

  I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.

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• (406): View more from Montana

  He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.

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• (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.

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• (406): View more from Montana

  You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt

  (1-406): View more from Montana

  That literally makes no sense

  (406): View more from Montana

  Exactly

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• (715): View more from Wisconsin

  I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.

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• (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.

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• (573): View more from Missouri

  You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.

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• (631): View more from New York

  I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned

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• (941): View more from Florida

  It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"

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• (312): View more from Illinois

  I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.

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• (973): View more from New Jersey

  I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes

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• (415): View more from California

  annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them

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