The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
