yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
