nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
