i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
