WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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