He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
