So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
