ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
