4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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