i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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