I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
