You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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