so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
