I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
this hospital has no fireball
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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