just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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