I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I need to sanitize my soul.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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