Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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