he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
