I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
