new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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