Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
